Australian sharks have denounced recent public calls for their culling following a series of attacks on humans, describing the response as “a severe overreaction to a simple misunderstanding.”

Australia has seen a sudden surge in shark attacks in recent days, with four incidents recorded over a two-day period earlier this month. However, a panel of shark spokespersons clarified at a press conference on Tuesday, 27 January 2026, that “the attacks on humans were the unfortunate result of mistaken identification.”

“After the passage of the historically draconian laws banning under-16s from social media websites in December 2024—legislation that paved the way for mandatory digital IDs for all Australian residents, without any proper Parliamentary consideration or debate—the Nationals approached us, indicating that they might soon require our assistance in slowing Australia’s rapid descent into tyranny.”

“They informed us that, in the event of further nefarious alliances between the Labor and Liberal parties aimed at dismantling Australian civil liberties, they would take steps to ‘terminate’ the Liberal leadership in a manner consistent with ‘the coalition’s shark eats shark work ethos.’ We took the recent en masse resignations of front-bench Nationals MPs as that signal.”

“Unfortunately, the way sharks perceive and process images makes it difficult for us to distinguish between humans based purely on facial features, so we rely heavily on mannerisms to identify individuals. Given Sussan Ley’s frequent and arbitrary shifts in position—even on core issues—it has been challenging to identify her, and the recent attacks on humans were a consequence of this difficulty,” the spokespeople added.

Australian sharks have also issued a public statement pledging to permanently withdraw from Australian politics.