Immediately after denouncing the Iranian government for “committing atrocities to suppress free speech and the basic human right to protest,” and encouraging Iranian protesters to “persist despite the carnage and loss of lives,” Australian Prime Minister Anthony Albanese announced at a press conference in Canberra that his government is taking steps to “regulate the possession of functional larynges across the country.”

“We are planning to introduce new legislation that will protect Australians from the most lethal of all weapons—critical speech. As the adage goes, ‘Sticks and stones may break my bones, but unfettered criticism will create serious problems for the government, and hence for national security,’” Mr Albanese declared.

“Under the new legislation, the government will introduce nanobots into the drinking water, allowing us to control the functionality of people’s larynges. By default, everyone’s larynx will be rendered dysfunctional, except for those of elected officials. In the true spirit of democracy, elected officials will now literally be the voice of their electorates.”

“In keeping with my government’s commitment to protecting free speech abroad, our control over larynges will be geo-locked and rendered ineffective as soon as affected individuals exit our national borders,” Mr Albanese explained.

“The new legislation will guarantee absolute protection against all hateful and divisive rhetoric—except when it comes from people’s elected officials,” Mr Albanese proclaimed as he concluded the press conference.