In a masterclass of deal-making that would make even Machiavelli raise an eyebrow, former President Donald Trump has managed to sway 53% of white women (per a Washington Post exit poll) into a mutual protection pact.

In return for dodging the possibility of legal repercussions from his conviction in relation to 34 offences, Mr Trump extended the following commitments to American women:

“I will make you safe at the border. On the sidewalks of your now violent cities. In the suburbs, where you are under migrant criminal siege. And with our military protecting you from foreign enemies, of which we have many today because of the incompetent leadership that we have.

You will no longer be abandoned, lonely or scared. You will no longer be in danger. You’re not going to be in danger any longer. You will no longer have anxiety from all of the problems our country has today. You will be protected, and I will be your protector.

Women... Women will be happy, healthy, confident and free. You will no longer be thinking about abortion. That’s all they talk about, abortion, because we’ve done something that nobody else could have done. It is now where it always had to be - with the states and the vote of the people.”

Mr Trump first outlined these terms on 25 September 2024, at a rally in Indiana, Pennsylvania - a locale that seemed so fittingly on-brand, it was practically a MAGA-inspired theme park.

But Mr Trump didn’t stop there. Like an infomercial promising “Wait, there’s more!” he sweetened the deal the next day, adding:

“I’ll ensure that every American woman looks sexier than all her friends.

All the men will definitely compliment you for getting slimmer when you think that you’ve lost weight and notice when you style your hair differently.

Men will no longer deride you when those of you still biologically useful go crazy once a month.

After I abolish the Department of Education, you’ll no longer be ashamed for standing out because you suck at math.

And every woman will have at least one orgasm a day, guaranteed!”

Then, on 1 November 2024, Mr Trump further enhanced his offering by affirming that his protection would apply even to women who did not want it. He noted that:

“I’m going to do it whether the women like it or not. I’m going to protect them. I’m going to protect them from migrants coming in. I’m going to protect them from foreign countries that want to hit it, hit us with missiles and lots of other things.”

As per the Washington Post exit poll, a respectable 38% of Latino women also took Mr Trump up on his offer—no small feat given that the group lay at the intersection of the demographics that ought to have been repulsed by Mr Trump’s history of chauvinism and misogyny and his fervent xenophobia and racism.

However, black women, who the exit poll initially indicated had spared Mr Trump 7% of their vote, proved largely impervious to Mr Trump’s tenacious unwelcome advances that ultimately succeeded in grabbing white and Latino women’s confidence.

To make matters worse in this respect, The Washington Post later issued a statement clarifying that the exit poll was unreliable in relation to black women’s vote for Trump, owing to what it referred to as the “Rachel Dolezal” demographic of Trump supporters, messing up the figures.

The newspaper noted in its retraction that, apart from some paid social media political hacks, there was no evidence that any biologically black women had voted for Trump. The retraction included a postscript that emphasised that Mr Jeff Bezos had been too busy thanking the gods and celebrating Mr Trump’s victory to review the newspaper’s publications concerning Mr Trump and that he was keen to stay out of Mr Trump’s infamous list of enemies, even if it meant making arrangements for Mr Trump to trial his much anticipated purge plans using The Washington Post reporters responsible for the articles that displeased him.

When asked about his meagre showing with black women, Mr Trump attributed the blame to black men. He stressed that:

“The scourge of nearly all black men abandoning their families has made black women naturally distrustful of smooth-talking, macho men. To cure this, under my new administration, I will outlaw interracial romances for black men to ensure that any black man thinking of leaving his woman is left with no better options.”

The policy, conceived by MAGA MODOK, Mr Stephen Miller, has overwhelming support among white and Asian men.

Mr Miller, the chief architect of the most xenophobic and racially discriminatory policies adopted by Mr Trump during his first administration, is set to play the pivotal role of Deputy Chief of Staff for Policy in Mr Trump’s second administration.