Since his appointment as United States Secretary of Health and Human Services (HHS)—the Cabinet position responsible for overseeing several critical government agencies, including the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), the Food and Drug Administration (FDA), the National Institutes of Health (NIH), and the Centers for Medicare & Medicaid Services (CMS)—Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has been at the center of numerous controversies and debacles. Under his leadership, HHS has experienced a marked decline in its capacity to perform crucial functions, including implementing essential national vaccination programs and disseminating accurate, reliable information about food and drug products. This decline has been exacerbated by a mass exodus of highly skilled technical professionals from the agency and their replacement with unqualified political appointees.

For years, Washington, D.C., has been abuzz with speculative theories that many believe shed light on what they see as Kennedy’s mission to dismantle the public infrastructure that safeguards Americans’ health. These range from alleged corrupt dealings with pharmaceutical companies to the procurement of souls for Satan ahead of his much-anticipated apocalyptic showdown with Jesus Christ. Kennedy has firmly rejected all such allegations and insinuations, insisting that his interactions with Satan are merely the by-product of a shared gym membership and similar workout routines.

However, recently published documents allegedly containing leaked correspondence between Kennedy and Satan—spanning from just before his appointment as HHS Secretary to the present day—may reveal the true motivations behind Kennedy’s decisions in office. According to the files, “Kennedy’s insidious endangerment of American lives has been fueled by a desire to reduce or weaken the competition he faces in the pursuit of sexual partners,” as many media outlets have reported.

The reports further suggest that Kennedy’s support for Trump’s anti-immigration policies is driven by a desire to stem the inflow of healthy potential competitors from abroad. It is worth noting that Kennedy is a well-known health fanatic who lives by a strict regimen purportedly aimed at “maximising his longevity and ensuring that he stays in peak physical form for as long as humanly possible.”