In a shocking new development, multiple U.S. media outlets have reportedly received information from an anonymous whistleblower within the White House alleging that the recent abduction of children by ICE agents in Minneapolis was motivated by a desire to find playmates for the children of U.S. Vice President J.D. Vance and White House Deputy Chief of Staff for Policy Stephen Miller.

“Parents are generally concerned about exposing their children to the monstrosity and sadism commonly associated with the Vance and Miller families. Beyond worries about protecting their children from mistreatment, there are also growing rumours that the diabolical traits attributed to the Vance and Miller genes may be transferable through repeated close contact. This has alarmed parents across the Vance and Miller social circles, leading them to implement extreme measures to ensure their children avoid the Vance and Miller kids at all costs. Fearing that complete social ostracisation from childhood could cause them to grow into even bigger monsters than their fathers, the Vance and Miller households have been driven to take drastic steps to mitigate the total social isolation of their children,” the anonymous whistleblower is reported to have told various media outlets.