Amidst the chaos that has engulfed the nation following Donald Trump’s election to a second term in office, former U.S. President Joe Biden found time to visit Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi’s residence in San Francisco on Thursday, 22 January 2026. Pelosi had been instrumental in pressuring Biden to withdraw from the presidential race, claiming that his departure was necessary to prevent a Trump victory.
More than three blocks around Pelosi’s residence were completely cleared by the U.S. Secret Service on Saturday morning so Biden could drive around the property in his Corvette, wearing his signature Ray-Ban aviators while blasting “How You Like Me Now” by The Heavy on the car’s stereo. Unfortunately for Biden, Pelosi was in Washington, D.C., at the time.
However, the wasted trip to San Francisco to gloat in Pelosi’s face didn’t seem to bother Biden appreciably. Speaking with the local press at the nearest ice cream parlour to the Pelosi residence, Biden recalled the tumultuous days leading up to the 21 July 2024 announcement that he was stepping down as the Democratic Party’s presidential nominee.
“The whole drama started when I had a bad day at the debate with Trump on 27 June 2024,” Biden mused while licking his pistachio gelato.
“I know my performance was inexcusable, but I was up against a compulsively dishonest fascist who also happens to be a misogynist and a convicted felon. I mean, give me a break, man!”
“What hurt me the most was knowing that that son of a bitch, Trump, could literally shit himself at a rally and his people would start spinning it as the ultimate sign of physical vigour, then pay millions at an auction for his soiled diaper. And all he’s ever done in life is exploit people.”
“Meanwhile, I—the most successful of all the presidents whose names I can remember—am being made to feel as welcome in the Democratic Party as a leper with AIDS in the nineties, or a Leonardo DiCaprio girlfriend who is dangerously close to turning twenty-five.”
“It seemed like they had all been waiting for an opportunity for me to fail—people I had considered friends and family, kindred spirits. I kept telling them that I was fine—that I wouldn’t quit—that I was the only one who could beat Trump—but they just wouldn’t give up.”
“I had decided to ignore the naysayers completely and let my victory do the talking, but then Pelosi, whom I had always considered a close friend and ally, stabbed me in the back by mobilising the major party donors against me. Everyone went along with her.”
“I’ve seen a lot of hate in America during my time in politics. But it’s difficult to conceptualise or compare the hurt you experience upon learning that millions of Americans wish you dead or incapacitated so you no longer obstruct your vice president from taking over. And then, when you bluff about stepping down, fully expecting the nation to be inconsolably despondent and beg you to return, they have a three-month, non-stop celebration for finally getting rid of you.”
“It was becoming increasingly clear to me that God-fearing folks would not condone the party establishment’s treason and that the Democratic ticket would suffer a crushing defeat. However, the oppression of the four years that followed would be the country’s penance for turning its back on the most accomplished president ever to hail from my neighbourhood in Scranton, Pennsylvania. After the nation has finished repenting for its atrocities toward me during the four years of the Trump presidency, I will be the political messiah who rescued the country—again—from a fascist government on the brink of taking root and establishing tyranny in America.”
