Australian Prime Minister Anthony Albanese reportedly called U.S. President-elect Donald Trump on 7 November 2024 to congratulate him on his election victory.

“What is the secret behind your incredible success in deceiving people so effectively? Do you have a special diet?” a starstruck Albanese reportedly asked Trump at the beginning of the call.

“I could tell you, but then I’d have to kill you,” Trump reportedly quipped in response, to which Albanese replied, “Can you tell me, but kill Kevin Rudd instead?”

The two men reportedly laughed loudly for a couple of minutes following the exchange, after which Albanese declared that Trump’s “great sense of humour” was part of the reason “all women want him and all men want to be like him.” Albanese also reportedly told Trump, “Every time I talk to you, I laugh so hard that it physically hurts.”

“Have we spoken before?” a confused Trump is said to have inquired of Albanese, to which Albanese replied, “A few times, actually; however, no one could expect you to remember your meetings with an ordinary Australian bloke, not with all the glamorous and powerful people like Putin, Kim Jong Un, and Musk that you frequently hang out with.”

After exchanging pleasantries, the two men reportedly discussed Australia’s relationship with the United States. Albanese is reported to have opened the discussion with, “I’ll get straight to the point – Australia is a puny rich white kid living in a rough Chinese neighbourhood; we need American protection and trade partnership to survive!”

In response, Trump reportedly asked Albanese, “But what do you have to offer me?”

“Well, sir, America has always traded at a surplus with Australia. The American President receives high-priority reports from Australian intelligence agencies even before the Australian Prime Minister, and through the AUKUS agreement, we have committed to paying America handsomely for the privilege of buying American submarines and turning our nation into America’s nuclear waste dump site. Moreover, I’ve signed up for lifetime memberships at multiple Trump golf clubs, and I don’t even know how to play golf!”

“We are going to be great friends,” a notably pleased Trump reportedly remarked.