Concerned that the Iranian regime may soon decisively prevail over the protesting masses—and confronted with the reality that MAGA men appear unwilling to enter combat against any adversary other than unarmed women in SUVs—the United States Department of War has launched an aggressive recruitment campaign for its planned invasion of Iran. The campaign is bolstered by advertisements portraying the Iranian National Guard as consisting entirely of unarmed, SUV‑driving women.

Speaking to the press at a Pentagon event celebrating the launch of the recruitment campaign on Wednesday, 21 January 2026, Secretary of War Pete Hegseth stated:

“The Trump administration recognises that the number one priority of all tough MAGA men is to combat domestic terrorists—kamikaze soccer moms weaponising SUVs and ‘foul mouths’ to inflict lethal blows to the self‑esteem of our brave warriors. We want them to know that the Iranian National Guard is exclusively comprised of these terrorists.”

The advertisements also highlight the many perks of enlisting to be deployed as part of a U.S. invasion of Iran, including a generous $150,000 signing bonus—$50,000 of which is issued as coupons that may be used exclusively for penile‑enhancement procedures at select clinics across the United States.