Following through on yet another whimsical campaign promise, U.S. President-elect Donald Trump announced last week that he would “tariff the crap out of Canada and all those countries that think they are better than MAGA-America.”

Addressing reporters at a press conference on the subject at Mar-a-Lago on Tuesday (26 November 2024), Trump noted that throughout his first presidency, multiple “nerdy losers in charge of foreign governments” had “relentlessly mocked” his “crude mannerisms,” his “intellectual deficit,” his “ineptitude for the presidency,” and his “overall philistinism.”

Moreover, after realising that Trump did not comprehend many of the insults levelled against him, foreign leaders had reportedly resorted to calling him a “fatso,” a “weirdo,” and a “total perv.”

Recalling the nightmare he had lived through, a near-teary Trump exclaimed in a quivering voice that “the worst part was that soon enough my contractually mandated wife had started publicly eye-banging and groping Trudeau; and as if that wasn’t bad enough, one day I was shown a video recording of my lifelong forbidden love, Ivanka, swooning over Trudeau and clearly harbouring for him the dirty thoughts that I have always wished she would have about me.”

“I was so enraged that I told Trudeau at the G7 Summit in 2018 that if he didn’t put on at least a hundred pounds in one week, I would immediately enforce crippling tariffs on all Canadian goods imported into the U.S.,” Trump continued, ostensibly cheered up a little by the memory of having “scared the shit out of Trudeau” at the time.

“Unfortunately, Trudeau ratted on me to Merkel, who threatened to ‘beat my bullying ass’ if I bothered Trudeau again—so I had to let it go. But Merkel is gone now, and Scholz couldn’t even dream about having her balls! No one will save Trudeau this time around.”

When questioned about why he had decided to impose tariffs on other nations as well, Trump clarified that the turmoil the tariffs would cause in those countries’ economies was likely to make their leaders just as unpopular as he anticipated they would be during his second presidency. This, Trump reasoned, would not only generally make him look better by comparison but also give him the opportunity to come across as the alpha male when foreign leaders act obsequiously towards him to win his favour. Moreover, Trump opined that everyone worldwide would “celebrate” him when he finally withdrew the tariffs.